Making Choices

I love to sing. I have sung alto in church choirs since I was in high school. I also sang alto in a small group (three voices on a part) for over ten years. But in the past two years something remarkable has happened. I have gained confidence in my voice. Thanks to the church choir I now sing in and its director, my voice has improved in quality and power. I love singing more than ever. Over the years I have occasionally thought about voice lessons, but the thought has always quickly fled. Weaving is my passion and I have not been willing to give up any weaving time to something else, no matter how much I might lovethat something else. But not this time. Now the choice seems to be much more difficult.

A year ago our choir worked on a piece with an alto solo. We knew that this one particular week, the director was going to select the soloist. Oh, I wanted that so badly and I sang my heart out. And I was chosen. I was stunned. And I said no. I had to. I knew that in public my voice would not hold up. It would betray me. Saying no broke my heart. But I had to. And the alto I thought should have the part in the first place got it.

This alto and I are friends. She claims my singing inspires her to sing better. I claim just the reverse. She didn't do well on that solo by the way, but I would have done much worse. Now she has been chosen to sing a solo from a Handel piece for Christmas. Oh. And she is taking voice lessons. Oh. She explained to me that she does not want to make a fool of herself. She is very smart. And suddenly I now want, really really want, to take voice lessons.

The choice has suddenly become an urgent reality, not just a passing flight of fancy. I know I would put my heart into those lessons and into the practicing those lessons would require. I know that lessons would improve the quality of my singing and might even allow enough courage to grow in me to sing solo. But I wouldn't have to sing solo. The choir is where I belong.

It is hard to make choices when the heart is so much involved. It is hard to say no to something the heart so intensely desires. Deep down I have already made the choice. Deep down, it is the weaving that pulls me. I need to learn to accept the choice my heart has really made. I need to accept that I will always have to live with singing pulling at me. Deep down I have to learn to accept the great satisfaction choir singing gives me and not ask for more.